It was never about you, but it still hurts

Have you ever noticed how quickly we take something personally?

When someone does or says something that triggers us emotionally, the first thing we often do is turn inward and make it about who “I” am. We question our identity. We feel defensive, upset, judgemental, sometimes even self-righteous, or blaming.

And yet, people act from their own beliefs, insecurities, wounds, expectations, fears and personal stories.

It still hurts. There is no getting away from that.

The hurt can linger for hours, days, weeks and sometimes even years. It drains our power and our energy. The voice in our head keeps speaking. I should have said this. Next time I will say that. How dare she. How dare he. It goes on and on. We may even retell the story to others, replaying how inappropriate the behaviour was.

Without meaning to, we keep it alive.

Taking It Personally

We tell ourselves not to take things personally.

But that is often easier said than done. Nobody tells us how to actually take things less personally.

Perhaps this is where emotional intelligence gently invites us in. An invitation to see what is really happening, to understand the dynamic. An invitation to learn how to respond, and how to care for ourselves as we process the discomfort.

Our Deepest Need

It may help to remember something simple and human:

One of our deepest needs is acceptance.

One of our deepest fears is rejection.

When something feels personal, it often touches this tender place within us.

Where Change Begins

Change does not begin with self-criticism.

It begins with self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-love.

This is where we start.

There is no need for self-judgement, self-criticism or self-blame. Instead, we can meet ourselves and the situation with gentle, kind acceptance. We can begin to recognise that what others say and do may have very little to do with us, and far more to do with their internal world.

Their reaction reflects their story, not what ours has to be.

Processing the Emotional Charge

So how do we move through the emotional charge we feel?

Perhaps firstly, by not trying to change it.

Not suppressing it.

Not expressing it with aggression.

But noticing it.

Allowing it to be there.

Relaxing into it, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Allow yourself to experience the discomfort. When we stop resisting or avoiding the feeling, something shifts. Slowly, the feeling begins to lose its intensity.

We may understand, at least conceptually, that it has nothing to do with us. But if we become aware of what has been triggered within us, we can accept it. We allow it to just be.

And then, if something needs to be said or done, we can respond in an assertive and non-judgemental way. Not from reactivity, but from awareness.

• We notice what we are thinking.

• We notice what we are feeling.

• We notice how we are behaving.

• And we hold all of it with compassion and kindness.

This is how we begin to transmute the experience. This is practicing mindful action.

A Different Way of Being

This is not about being passive.

And it is not about being aggressive.

It is about being consciously aware. Accepting what is here. Being kind to yourself. And then taking care of what needs to be said or done, calmly and clearly, if that feels necessary.

Nothing other people do is truly personal.

Five people can experience the same situation and respond in five completely different ways. They will each see it through their own lens.

And perhaps that is the quiet reminder:

It was never about you in the first place.

With presence,

Shirley